Where I am

Maybe more appropriately this post should be "Who am I?"  I wrote this today and didn't know if I should blog it, but decided to put myself out there...  If anyone wants to pray for me as I deal, I wouldn't object!


I don't think I'm doing so well.  Maybe it's a severe lack of sunshine.  It's not that I can't figure out what needs to be done -- it's a complete lack of desire to do anything.  Certainly the list of things to do is long enough: laundry, meals, cleaning, teaching, planning.  I need help.  Someone to come alongside me.  Someone to be here all day for a day or two to push me. God has called me to be more than this!  Why do I continue to struggle so much?!  Do I not ask enough?  Do I not trust enough?  Have faith enough?  HELP ME!  Maybe I'm not clear enough in my own mind what it is I want/need/desire to be.  My kids need me to be more.  Tim needs me to be more.  I need me to be more.  God desires for me to be more.  So what does that look like?  What do I think it should look like?  I guess it all starts with my relationship with God.  He created me!  He loves me.  He has a plan for my life.  In order to be clear on that plan I need to know Him more intimately.  My days need to begin and end with him.  And they need to begin and end earlier.  How great would it be if I could wake each morning around 6:30 a.m. and spend time reading and praying.  Once everyone else was up I would already have my heart in the right place.  My night would end with Him as well.  And it would end before 11 p.m.  Ideally it would end around 9:30 p.m., but that just seems so impossible.  LOL  And how does my day look between the good start and the good end?  It is joyful!  The kids would be taught and cared for.  Specifically?  I would fix them a good breakfast.  Meal planning would mean all ingredients would be on hand.  When the meal was done each child would get dressed and the table would be cleaned up and dishes dealt with.  Small ones would have quick baths if needed.  Then school would begin for the day.  We would pray, read/recite/review Fighter Verses, and get on to other subjects.  A load of laundry would be started while another load was folded and put away.  Some touch-up cleaning would be done while the older boys worked.  I would be available if they had questions.  Everyone would have a healthy snack (once again, pre-planned) and while the older boys got back to work, I would work with littler ones on letters, numbers, shapes, etc. and spend time playing with them.  Everyone would have an activity to keep them busy while I prepared a light lunch.  We would eat, and little ones would head off for naps/quiet time while bigger ones read quietly.  I would switch over laundry and fold dry clothes.  Then, while the bigger ones finished up school, I would do grading and planning for the following day.  If time allowed, I would take a short nap.  When littles woke up everyone would have another snack and I would prep for dinner.  About 4:30/45 a.m. we would do spot cleaning so things were calm/neat for Tim when he got home.  While I made the (pre-planned) meal, the older ones would sit quietly reading with the littles.  We would sit down to a timely meal after which dishes would be taken care of and then family time would commence.  We would have our devotions and play a game together. After a quick/small snack the kids would head off to bed.  Hugs, kisses & prayers would be done.  I would then check email, finish school prep, do a quick cleanup if necessary.  Tim and I would then have "us time".  Specific enough?  I think so.  Realistic?  I don't know.  But now it's "out there".  We'll see if that helps... 


Heather said...

Well, when you figure it all out - please share as I feel very much in the same boat you are.

I think, tho, that baby steps would get you there. A little FLYing maybe? I think (for me anyways) that what it takes and how to get to the point that you have a day as described seems overwhelmingly daunting so it's easier for me to just keep on with what I know - even tho it isn't what I truely want. It takes planning, discipline (me?), determination and routines to get there. I do think it's doable - definitly not easy - but doable. Baby steps, baby, baby steps. You are a strong person, you have what it takes to get there.

Love you!

PS...and yes...I know...I need to take my own advice.

Angela said...

Hey did you read my blog about juggling??? It's my January 7th one. I talk about the same thing yet I compare it to juggleing. We can't go from not know ing how to juggle to throwing the most dangerous things, we have to start out small. One thing I have made a change about (cuz I suffer from lack of desire to do anything) is I started walking at the mall. My nest thing is eating better. I figure if I can make myself feel better I can cope with the daily grind a little better. It's hard to take care of my mental and spiritual self when I feel so crappy from the lack of physical care. I can't wait to be able to walk outside tho.. I need real air. (oh and a dose of feel good, listen to the music on my blog and listen to the words. I'll post them somewhere on there.)

Candace said...

Hi Kristin,

Just wanted to say thanks for posting on my blog. I hope you'll stop by often.

I can definitely relate to this post. I think we all struggle with these feelings from time to time. But thankfully, we have an amazing God who can turn things around in His perfect timing. Did you happen to read my "Weary Mommy" post? I think sometimes WE put more demands on ourselves than God does.

And I'm with you on the "lack of sunshine" theory. If we have more than three days of gray here, I go nuts!

I look forward to browsing your blog again soon! ;-)


Kristin said...

Just a quick note from me to correct the blog address for Candace :) It should be sabofamdynamics, not fan :)


BusyBof3 said...

You sound a lot like me when i first began home educating. I don't know how long you have been home educating but, for me, it has gotten easier every year. I seem to lower my expectations a bit every year and find room for more confidence in what I am teaching. Like you I had to reach out and let others know what I was struggling with (not easy for me...as I can do ALL thing through Christ who gives me strenght)... build a strong support system around me, tell myself over and over again that the Lord knows my heart, lots of prayer and really trusting that the Lord LOVES me even when I don't feel like I am lovable...I will pray for you, that you find that balance that gives you the peace that surpases all understanding...