I've struggled with whether or not to share this on my blog, but decided to just put it out there. This is something I wrote last night while unable to sleep...
I struggle almost daily with the question of what it is I want to do with my life. What is the direction I want to be headed? And the answer at this point is unclear. I guess I know what I would like to see happen, but don't know how to get there. What can I do to achieve the desired result? I am unorganized and unfocused. I flit from one thing to another, never really feeling like I'm getting anywhere. It's like constantly going in circles. And what, perhaps, frustrates me most is the knowledge that my children are learning from my actions (or my lack of action). I need to be teaching them. Do I want them to grow up to be like me? not the me I am now, certainly. So why doesn't that motivate change? I feel as though I'm stuck. I love the life I've been given but don't know how to live it. Mostly I wish I could go back to a certain point and start over. But I know that's not possible. I can not undo choices I've made. So how do I become what I want to be? What I know I can be? To be honest, I'm afraid. What if others don't like what I become? And maybe worse is the prospect that I won't like what I become! But then again, why should that stop me? I already don't particularly like what I am. Could it really be worse? And so, I need to make changes. But where to start? What comes first? I want to make a contribution. How do I do that? Sometimes I feel like I've made steps in the right direction and then my best laid plans are derailed. Some of the changes I want to make aren't about who I am. I would love to give my kids a nicer (ie. larger) home. Someplace with room to run. A pace that is open. A place where we can spread out some. For those sorts of change we need money. And I don't really see how we can achieve that. I'm also a bit afraid that even being more organized in the space we have wouldn't make a difference. If it's more about me and where I'm lacking, I don't think I want to know! What about diet/health changes? That's another area where I feel I'm in a rut. I can't make changes for myself without changing things for the entire family. And they are much more resistant. I'm so used to buying the same things when we shop and cooking the same things week to week, and offering the same snacks day to day. Of course the simple answer is to make a menu. But I need to have Tim on board. I just don't see that happening. One of the complaints I have is that I don't have the time to do the things I'd like to do. But the pure and simple truth is, I don't take the time. My priorities are messed up. What kid of mom, wife, woman do I really want to be? How do I escape from my current reality and create the new, desired reality? What is my first step? I just don't even know. I'm afraid to try because I've failed so often. I want someone to take me by the hand and give me a step by step guide for my life. I want to know that I matter to the people who matter most to me. Do I matter enough to any of them that they would be willing to walk through this with me? I really don't know. The more painful truth is, I don't think I matter that much to any of them. And maybe, that is why I feel so stuck.

So, there you have it. My heart... bare.


Anonymous said...

hey there...i am moved by your honesty and authenticity. i appreciate that in you! you are not alone. i can understand wanting to change and having a vision, but not acting on it....or wondering months to a year down the road...why am i in the same place wanting the same things....i will be praying for you...and me....to make changes that God desires and for Him to show us clearly what those are.....rest in Him today my friend and sister. You ARE LOVED and DO MATTER SO much! I love you!

Sarah said...

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your realness and vulnerability...it is the biggest reason that I follow your blog so closely! This "job" of being a woman/wife/mother is certainly not without a full set of struggles and challenges and definitely the emotions that cross the spectrum. I don't know you so well in person but I truly have learned things for my life from reading your blog and feel like I am encouraged as a mom and fellow believer through your words...thanks!!
Sarah Fredman

Courtney said...

Oh my. I could have written this. Word for word, you have spoken my heart. You are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. I would imagine that 90% of us(Christians/moms/wives/homeschoolers) feel EXACTLY the same way. I am so much more encouraged and strengthened by brutal honesty like this than I am by my friends who have the perfect Suzie Homemaker/Proverbs 31 lives.

The one thing that we should all be focusing on more than we do is keeping the main thing the main thing. When all is said and done, it's not going to matter to my husband, kids or God whether or not the kitchen floor is spotless(it's not!)or if we perfectly followed the food pyramid(are mac&cheese w/hotdogs on that thing??)or if the mama ran five miles a day and wore a size 4. What's going to matter is whether I faithfully conveyed the Gospel in an effective and continuous manner to those within my sphere of influence(namely my children). If you do that one thing prayerfully, God will bless you and your kids will know that a HOME full of love and joy is much more important than a big HOUSE.

Keep you chin up. I don't "know" you, but what I do know tells me you are a terrific friend and mother. {{{hugs}}}

...oofda.. sorry for being so windy!!

Heather said...

Oh girl..did you hop into my brain while you wrote that? Every word you wrote hit home with me. It's reassuring to me that others (and I can see from the other posts that we are not alone) feel the same way. I think we tend to withdraw those feelings into ourselves. We don't want others to think we don't have it all together. It's so hard to admit that we don't.
Love you.

Anonymous said...

Yep right from my hear too. So many people can look at my life and think I have it all together but inside I am a like jello. I can't figure out what I want to do.. well I know what I want to do but is it what God wants and then if it is how do I get to that point. I have been praying more and more for God to show me the steps then I just have to be very vigalent to follow even if it makes my family not a fan of the new things. This past few months I have been working on more effective parenting and it's been rough... anyhoo we need a ladies night.