I struggle almost daily with the question of what it is I want to do with my life. What is the direction I want to be headed? And the answer at this point is unclear. I guess I know what I would like to see happen, but don't know how to get there. What can I do to achieve the desired result? I am unorganized and unfocused. I flit from one thing to another, never really feeling like I'm getting anywhere. It's like constantly going in circles. And what, perhaps, frustrates me most is the knowledge that my children are learning from my actions (or my lack of action). I need to be teaching them. Do I want them to grow up to be like me? not the me I am now, certainly. So why doesn't that motivate change? I feel as though I'm stuck. I love the life I've been given but don't know how to live it. Mostly I wish I could go back to a certain point and start over. But I know that's not possible. I can not undo choices I've made. So how do I become what I want to be? What I know I can be? To be honest, I'm afraid. What if others don't like what I become? And maybe worse is the prospect that I won't like what I become! But then again, why should that stop me? I already don't particularly like what I am. Could it really be worse? And so, I need to make changes. But where to start? What comes first? I want to make a contribution. How do I do that? Sometimes I feel like I've made steps in the right direction and then my best laid plans are derailed. Some of the changes I want to make aren't about who I am. I would love to give my kids a nicer (ie. larger) home. Someplace with room to run. A pace that is open. A place where we can spread out some. For those sorts of change we need money. And I don't really see how we can achieve that. I'm also a bit afraid that even being more organized in the space we have wouldn't make a difference. If it's more about me and where I'm lacking, I don't think I want to know! What about diet/health changes? That's another area where I feel I'm in a rut. I can't make changes for myself without changing things for the entire family. And they are much more resistant. I'm so used to buying the same things when we shop and cooking the same things week to week, and offering the same snacks day to day. Of course the simple answer is to make a menu. But I need to have Tim on board. I just don't see that happening. One of the complaints I have is that I don't have the time to do the things I'd like to do. But the pure and simple truth is, I don't take the time. My priorities are messed up. What kid of mom, wife, woman do I really want to be? How do I escape from my current reality and create the new, desired reality? What is my first step? I just don't even know. I'm afraid to try because I've failed so often. I want someone to take me by the hand and give me a step by step guide for my life. I want to know that I matter to the people who matter most to me. Do I matter enough to any of them that they would be willing to walk through this with me? I really don't know. The more painful truth is, I don't think I matter that much to any of them. And maybe, that is why I feel so stuck.
So, there you have it. My heart... bare.